Ah Mother’s Day! Every year, as I lay quietly in my bed way before the boys are up to ‘surprise me’, I ponder about the journey it’s been. The word journey doesn’t seem to cut it though…more of an abrupt end of one journey…into something inexplicable.
It’s my 15th year into the inexplicable. It’s my 15th year of actual age, as I can’t seem to measure whatever happened before that … although… as it turns out your own childhood seems to find its sticky and tricky way into your mothering (but I will not make this post about it this time).
So here I am – into the jungles of TEEN mothering. And let me tell you how prepared I feel about it – not whatsoever.
Looking back a year or so ago, seems like I was in a golden age of parenting. Too bad I didn’t know it cos I would have taken those golden years of yore and made me some golden earrings to remember how sweet and innocent and joyful and easy and uncomplicated it was.
But as it turns out I am only now seeing it.
Gaaah!
As my mentor (my greatest inspiration on life and everything else) Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estés Reyes says “You learn how to be a good parent only after the fact” here I find my self on this Sunday morning thinking one day I will be this old and wise and gray woman (if only this last bit was enough I am ahead of the game) and I will be the Mother I always wanted to be.
Patient, present, attuned, attentive, gentle and responsive, prepared for all the twists and turns, knowledgeable on how to navigate all the uncharted waters that seem to flood us daily.
Not today though. Not yet.
Today I am as clueless and perplexed, albeit eager to show up and ride that Motherfucker of a journey as I was all those years ago when he was placed on my chest, his eyes fixed on me, his cries suddenly stopping and in a millisecond, when all got quiet, we just WERE. Together in this wild soup. Call it mothering, call it people-ing, call it shitting yourself because of ALL. THESE. CRAZY. BIG. INEXPLICABLE. FEELINGS.
So happy whatever you call this day! And I hope for you to feel all of your feelings in a fearless and unapologetic way. And ride that wild beast of a journey fully. Cos it might be your golden years.
With love (and golden shimmering shit),
Aleks
Aleksandra Staneva, PhD 