Self-care, Uncategorized

Perfectly imperfect, thank you!

If nothing was wrong, who would you be?
coffee
This is this morning’s cup of coffee I just made…When I over-grind the beans our espresso machine cannot take it, it’s just too much for the old lady…and she sputters and protests and spews all over the place, showing me right away that she has her ways…she likes her beans Goldy Locks-style – not too coarse but also not too finely ground either.

She, our 7-year old Lady espresso, reminds me of me and the certain ways I like things to go, people around me to behave…, the way I want, want and want things to happen, and most of all the way I flip out when things do not go my way.

Well, I have been reflecting on this for some time now… and I have been working on it for at least a couple of years. How getting attached and stuck on certain ways in life removes us from experiencing things just the way they are – perfectly imperfect!

Many times, especially for the first few months after a 10-day Vipassana retreat (of complete silence and total acceptance of everything the way it is), I have managed to switch my position and my whole relationship with ‘control’ (isn’t this it?!).

Things start flowing, I am part of the wave, I enjoy it, I accept all the broken bits, all the tantrums, all the sputtered coffee, the cat’s vomit on the new rug, the wild child and my inability to help/fix/parent adequately… I am both part of it, and yet I am able to observe from the side, and gently support my inner dialogue around control, wanting things certain way, anger…imperfection. Because I see clearly how underneath it all is this raw place of feeling not good enough. That small scared little child looking outside for validation, for that soft ‘there, there little one…it’s ok! it is all ok, exactly the way it is…” Nothing is WRONG.

And this brings me to the start of my early morning ramble. I have been falling asleep lately listening to podcasts. I woke up this morning to Tara Brach’s words from her talk about Trusting the Gold within. Her soft voice repeating – If nothing was wrong, who would you be?

If nothing was wrong, who would you be?

If nothing was wrong, who would you be?

I got up, brushed my teeth, and headed downstairs repeating this in my head. If nothing was wrong, who would I be?

I opened my journal and wrote it in capitals. Reflecting on it, only pondering on it, brings massive relief. Does it link to that release of control? Of always doing, making, thinking, improving, fixing, trying so hard? which to be honest is so fucking exhausting, and then …imagine flipping the narrative. It’s ok, nothing is wrong … I can just BE…

And then the coffee was no longer a problem, and the weather prognosis was no longer in the way, and the burnt toast is fine, and the snotty children and the snoring husband, and the bills, and even the massive uncertainty of it all, ARE JUST FINE.

Sipping on my fabulously tasting cold-by-now coffee, (spitting a few tiny black particles) I send you all a little lack of control, super chilled highly imperfect but JUST FINE weekend (cos you know-weekends mean nothing when you are a parent).

Love,
Aleks

 — at HORÓ Counselling – Holding the Woman through motherhood and beyond.

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